Just thoughts

Lately, I've just felt no desire to read the Bible or spend time with God.  I'm struggling with what it means for me to be a Christian.  I find it difficult to be real and honest at a Christian school.  I often feel like people wear a mask and hide who they really are.  Everyone appears to be the same: a perfect Christian who reads their Bible everyday and has everything together with no problems.  And because it is a Christian school with high standards and harsh punishments, people tend to hide sin and do things in secret while still outwardly appearing to be righteous.  It just makes it hard to trust and understand people and it makes me scared that I'm the same way.


I'm just wondering if a Christian school really makes sense.  Jesus' best friends were his disciples, but he didn't spend all his time solely with other believers.  He made friends with the beggars and prostitutes and tax collectors.  I understand the importance and need for fellowship with other believers, but I sometimes feel like Liberty is just a big bubble of the same kind of people, or at least people who all act the same.  I wonder if it would be different if I went to a secular school where people could be who they really are and not hide behind a pretense.  And then, Christians would be tested in their values and could stand firm and stand out for Christ a part from the world.


I'm not trying to be judgmental at all, just reflecting... and I started this post out by saying I haven't had the desire to spend time with God, I don't know how much worse you can get than that.  I want to live my life for God's glory, but I want to be real and not hide all my struggles or pretend they don't exist.


Just please pray for me, that God will give me a hunger and a thirst for Him... and that I will fill it with Him.


Thanks, Cameron

A New Day

Well, a best friend told me I needed to write, so I will.  First, I just want to say thank you to that friend... you're amazing and encouraging and you've made such an impact on me and I'm truly so grateful for you.  


So, I guess I should write about the biggest thing that has happened in my life recently, but I don't feel like talking about it much anymore, so I'll be brief... I was in a car accident on the interstate coming home for Thanksgiving break this past Friday.  An 18-wheeler started smoking and came to a sudden stop.  I was two cars behind it and couldn't stop in time to avoid colliding with the car in front of me.  My airbag deployed and it burned and bruised my wrists.  They thought it fractured my wrist, but it feels better now so I don't think I'm going to get the MRI.  I cut my foot and was sore for a few days, but other than those minor injuries, I'm lucky to be alive.  My car is pretty much totaled and I was pretty shaken up after the wreck so it took me a while to calm down.  But I went to my car to get my license and there was a piece of paper randomly on my seat.  I picked it up and flipped it over and saw that it was a card with Scripture on it that my mom had sent me a few weeks back.  The card was Psalm 137:8 and it read: "Though I walk through the midst of trouble, you preserve my life."


 When I read that card, I just felt like God decided to give me life on Friday.  He could have taken it, but for some reason, He wasn't ready for that yet.  And so, I know that since He isn't ready for me yet, He still has plans for me here.  I already owed God my life, so now I double owe Him.  I'm ready and willing for whatever He has in store for me.  I'm grateful for each day and grateful that I know the love of Christ.  I just desire to be a good steward of the gift I've received and be pleasing in the sight of the Lord.  


I like how each new trial I face just puts things in perspective.  It's like each thing that happens reminds me that God is in control and I can't help but trust in Him... I am helpless to guide myself and I don't even want to try.  I'm thankful for so much this Thanksgiving and I know God is good and faithful to complete the work that He begins. 

Praise

A friend just showed me this cartoon and I thought it was really good... it really does put things in perspective and I kinda relate a lot to this.  The question shouldn't be 'why' when tough things happen but 'how' can I glorify God through my situation.  God allows all things for good and for His glory... like when Joseph was betrayed by his brothers and unfairly imprisoned for so long.  He couldn't see the purpose for the agony he was going through but God knew the whole picture and used Joseph's suffering to save his people.  I want to be like Paul who rejoices in the Lord through his sufferings, confident that they are accomplishing good and furthering the Gospel.  Praise is so important and I think that through it, we can better see ourselves and tune our hearts to be more like God's.  For me, praising God through every situation allows me to become more aware of my own self-righteousness, self-pity and pride.  I can release these things to God and praising Him tunes me in to His guidance.  When I face struggles, I want to be able  to say, "God I don't want you to remove this problem until You've done all You want to do through it, in me and in others." 

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!  Romans 11:33

Rainbow

After I wrote my previous post this morning I was thinking about how it always seems like when it rains, it pours... well the amazing thing is that after it pours, God sends a rainbow... I know it isn't for me but the gorgeous one that stretched over campus this afternoon just warmed my heart and made it so clear that God is in control and my problems are so minuscule compared to the joy of spending eternity with my Creator!

The view from above

"Draw near to God and he will draw near to you." James 4:8


The past two weeks of my life have been crazy.  When it rains it pours, and when a few things go wrong, it feels like everything just crashes.  But it's also times like these that draw me nearer to God.  I want to shift my perspective from focusing on my circumstances to focusing on God's faithfulness.  And I want to understand what God is trying to teach me through these experiences and how I can persevere and praise Him through the pain.  I want to draw nearer to God through my adversities and be refined by the fire rather than destroyed by it.


I've been thinking a lot and have some questions to ask myself in times of struggle:
1. What if this isn't the end but a new beginning?
2. What if the answer to my prayers is just over the next hill?
3. What if this is necessary for me to be prepared for the next situations in life?
4. What if God knows exactly what I need at this particular time?
5. What if God is speaking to me through means I would not have chosen for a blessing I cannot see?
6. What does this experience make possible?
7. What can I tell others what I learned was so valuable in this season of life?


My life is like that of a little girl sitting at her mother's feet.  She is looking up at the underside of her mother's sewing confused by all the knots and tangles of thread and messiness of the piece.  She questions her mother, upset and asking why she can't see a picture and why it just looks a mess.  The mother then lifts the little girl and places her on her lap so she can see the view from above.  And at once the knotted thread and tangles disappear and a beautifully clear scene is before the child's eyes.  God's view: perfect, clear, purposed and breathtaking.  My whole life, all I see are the tangles and knots of uncertainty and adversity and my struggle is to remember that God, who is in control of it all, has the view from above and has a perfect plan for the masterpiece of my life.  And what I don't realize is that the tangles are what makes the view from above so beautiful.

My relationship with God

My relationship with God is something I cannot comprehend, it is one of grace and love and undeserved forgiveness beyond my understanding.  The fact that God, creator of the ends of the earth, wants to know my heart intimately and wants to show me his love just baffles me.  It is a constant struggle to focus more on the joy that comes from that love than questioning the reason for it... because I am so inadequate and undeserving.  I see myself weighed down by trash, entangled by sin, and burdened with guilt... and Christ, perfect and pure, clean and flawless.  But what awes and astounds me is that Christ willingly comes to me and touches me in my impurity taking all my shame and sin on himself and trading his robe of righteousness for my cloak of filth.  To me, a gift so great as that leaves me no choice but to live in the light of forgiveness and freedom found in releasing my burdens to Christ.  Day by day, I'm learning to surrender myself, my desires, my dreams, and lean wholly on Christ, who is perfecting me through every struggle.  I want my life to be a sweet aroma to the Lover of my soul, not needing to be ashamed, but to become someone who glorifies Christ in every aspect of my being.  I owe everything to Christ, he fights for me and pursues me through my insecurities and sin.  I reach for God and fall short, but I am forever grateful that he is always there reaching down to me and never letting go.  

Foggy Days

Well, I haven't written in forever... ya know how life just has those crazy times, right now is definitely one of them.

It is Friday morning around 7:30 and I'm sitting here looking out the window and spending some time with God, as I normally do at this time.  One of my most favorite things about Virginia is the mountains... I have the perfect view of them from my dorm room.  I love dark blue silhouetted against the sky and the contrasting green leaves perfectly framing the view.  My favorite thing in the world is watching the sunset, and seeing it sink over the mountains lighting up the sky and clouds with deep colors of purple and orange and reds, just fills me with awe and wonder at the One who paints the breathtaking scene.  But sometimes, like this morning, it's so foggy, I can't even tell the mountains exist.  And it is almost a lonely feeling because I'm so accustomed to seeing them so clearly on the horizon.  But at the same time, I know that no matter how hidden those mountains are, they are still there, and when the fog lifts, they will be more beautiful than ever.  It reminds me of God and faith... so many times, there is fog in my life and I can't see God and I feel alone and afraid and blind.  But I know that He is there, unchanging and faithful.  No matter what my view is, He sees it all perfectly and clearly and with no fog.  I just praise God for that truth that I have in my heart and I am filled with such gratitude that even on the foggy days, God can fill my heart with joy and an understanding that He will never leave or forsake me and has plans for me that exceed my greatest expectations.  

           View from my window before sunset

                                Gorgeous sunset :)

This morning's foggy view